Post by Ronin Fox on May 1, 2008 19:25:10 GMT -5
This fanfic was born from the Anti-Alfred Movement at the other forum. Just like the one here (somewhere in the General Board), it's a sub-community of forum users with an immense dislike of Alfred Ashford. You know, the rifle-wielding, twin sister-loving, annoyingly-voiced transvestite from RE: Code Veronica.
At one point, someone jokingly accused me of not truly disliking Alfred-- she said I was just jealous of his wealth and stature. In reply, I joked that I was only upset with him because he owed me money. "Alfred owes me $300 from our last poker game," I posted in the thread. This led to an exchange of humorous comments, and eventually, I wound up making an imaginary world where Alfred and I were poker buddies. Why would an upper-class man like Alfred be playing poker? I don't quite know. But as you'll see, nothing else in this story makes much sense either.
--Chapter 1--
*Alfred and Fox are sitting in the manor playing Texas Hold 'Em.*
Alfred: *hears a rumbling noise* Good gracious, what was that?
Fox: Meh.
Alfred: *feels the walls shaking slightly* Must be some Bandersnatches having a wild booze party.
Fox: Speaking of Bandersnatches, the last time I came around here, I got chased off the property by a bunch of them.
Alfred: Oh, they've been moody lately, ever since the last of their favorite Umbrella-made B.O.W. food ran out. That awful man Wesker who's running Umbrella these days changed the food's formulation. It's supposed to be more nutritious, but the Bandersnatches think it tastes horrible, the poor babies.
*Alexia comes in.*
Alexia: Alfred, did you know that the manor is being bombarded by artillery shells?
Fox: Oh, is that where the noise is coming from?
Alfred: It's nothing to worry about, dear sister. These walls were constructed out of Umbrella's special reinforced titanium alloy.
Alexia: Well, this infernal racket is ruining my beauty sleep! *angrily activates her flame powers, burning the poker table*
Alfred and Fox: Yaaaaaah!
Alfred: Confound it, Alexia, I was this close to winning back that $300 I owe this little upstart here.
Alexia: You'll have more than money to worry about if you don't get off your ruffled hindside and stop whoever is firing those shells, DEAR brother! *evil glare*
Fox: Why're you sending him? You're the one with the Flame Powers of Pwnage. I say you should be the one to-- *jacket gets set on fire by Alexia* WAAAAAAH! GAH! ARRRRGH!!! *grabs a glass of iced tea that Alfred was drinking, and tips the tea onto the flames to extinguish them*
Alfred: Oh, bother. You're dripping tea onto the carpet. I'm taking the cleaning bill out of the $300 I owe you.
Alexia: *fuming* GO AND GET THAT MANIAC WHO'S BOMBING OUR MANOR, BEFORE I FRY BOTH OF YOU TO A CRISP AND FEED YOU TO THE BANDERSNATCHES! *turns away and walks off* I shall be in my room applying my beauty regimen. All this stress and fussing about is giving me wrinkles.
*Alfred and Fox are left alone.*
Alfred: What a pickle.
Fox: Bah. Whatever. Let's go and do what Alexia says before she throws another hissy-fit. I hope you've been practicing with that sniper rifle of yours. I'll bet your blindfolded dad could out-shoot you.
Alfred: Oh, hush, you! I'm a multiple award-winning marksman, I'll have you know. I was merely thrown off focus by that Redfield girl's bouncing cleavage.
Fox: ... Cleavage?! You were checking out her cleavage?
Alfred: And what, pray tell, is so strange about that?
Fox: Nothin', I just thought you... y'know...
Alfred: I am not gay! I simply had separation anxiety! Just because I pretended to be my sister so I could ease my loneliness doesn't mean that I'm interested in men!
*The manor walls shake as another artillery shell hits them.*
Alexia: *yelling from upstairs* ARE YOU TWO GOING TO STOP THAT TRIGGER-HAPPY LUNATIC, OR WHAT?
Alfred: YES, DEAR SISTER! *mutters to Fox* We'd better move out of here.
*Alfred and Fox leave the parlor and stop by the armory, where Alfred grabs his sniper rifle. On the way to the front door, they hear the doorbell ring.*
Alfred: Who could that be? *opens the door*
Delivery Man: Flower delivery for Ms. Alexia Ashford--
*BOOM!*
Delivery Man: *struck dead by artillery shell* ............
Alfred: *picks up a bouquet of purple roses that the delivery man dropped* Hmm, what's this? *reads the card attached to the bouquet* "Dear Alexia, please accept these flowers as a token of my affection and admiration for you. Your beauty surpasses the most radiant sunset, the most delicate flower, the most vibrant and graceful butterfly. With love, Your Secret Admirer." *throws the bouquet to the ground and stomps on it* The nerve of this person! I shall never allow filthy outsiders to touch my fair Alexia! They are unworthy to even think such things of her! I ought to--
Fox: Dude, calm down... *flinches as another artillery shell hits the manor* You've got more important things to worry about.
Alfred: Hmph, indeed.
*The pair start running towards the yard where Alfred keeps his collection of military vehicles. Suddenly, they see Nosferatu coming out of a Howitzer tank. He stumbles blindly, feeling his way around with his tentacle arms, and locates another tank.*
Nosferatu: Heh heh heh...... I hope this one's loaded too... *wrenches the top hatch open with his tentacles, and jumps in*
Alfred: *runs to the tank* DAD!!! How did you get out here? What in Umbrella's name do you think you're doing?!
Nosferatu: I'm sick of being locked up in that basement! I'm taking this tank for a joyride! And none of you scrawny little whelps is going to stop me!
Alfred: Daddy, you know we can't have you out of the basement; it's for your own good. Those tentacle-arms of yours have a mind of their own. Every time we let you out, they tear down everything in sight. You almost brought a chandelier down on your head the last time you were in the house.
Nosferatu: Oh, go piddle a poodle, Alfie.
Alfred: At least take off that blindfold! *jumps into the tank, with Fox close behind*
Nosferatu: *randomly steps on pedals and pushes levers and buttons* Now, how do we get this plane off the ground...
Alfred: It's not a plane, Dad, it's a tank! *tries to push him out of the driver's seat* Get out of there and let me-- *gets smacked aside by one of Nosferatu's freaky arms* OOF! *slams into Fox*
Fox: *pinned under Alfred* A bit crowded in here, don't you think?
*After turning more knobs and ripping out a few wires, Nosferatu somehow manages to get the tank running.*
Nosferatu: Marvelous! Hang on to your seats, kiddies!
*Nosferatu brings the tank to full speed and crashes through the gate.*
Alfred and Fox: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!
Nosferatu: Ha ha ha ha! Good heavens, I haven't had this much fun in years! Look out, world! Here comes Alexander Ashford!
--Chapter 2--
*Nosferatu is driving around crazily in a battle tank, with Alfred and Fox sitting in the control bay with him.*
Alfred: For goodness' sake, Dad, take that blindfold off! *manages to wrestle past Nosferatu's tentacles and yank away his blindfold*
Nosferatu: Ahhh, that's better! And I thought it was just dark outside. *finds the exit to the nearest highway and goes there*
Alfred: DAD!!!
Fox: Dr. Ashford!!!
Nosferatu: What? I'm not going over the speed limit, don't worry. Just because I'm getting on in years doesn't mean I'm not a law-abiding citizen.
Alfred: But, but... driving a tank on a public highway?! Are you crazy-- *smacks himself on the forehead* Never mind. Forget I asked.
*After a while of leisurely driving, Nosferatu spots a McDonald's sign by the side of the highway.*
Nosferatu: Look over there, kiddies! One of those fast food joints. I'm feeling a bit peckish; let's pull over for a bite to eat, shall we? *starts driving towards the McDonald's*
Alfred: What? Us, the Ashford men, eat at a fast food joint?! You've got to be joking, Daddykins. How could you even think of degrading our family name like that?
Nosferatu: Oh, don't be a spoilsport, Alfie. I've always wanted to understand the common folks' addiction to fast food-- and what better way to do it, than to experience some McDonald's cuisine firsthand?
Alfred: I am NOT going in there! *pouts*
Nosferatu: Who says we're going in? We'll use the drive-through lane. *heads towards the drive-through*
Alfred and Fox: NOOOOOOOO!!!
Fox: This tank isn't going to fit in the drive-through lane, Dr. Ashford!
Nosferatu: Oh, heh heh, I suppose it won't, eh? *veers into the parking lot at the last second, making a sharp turn and narrowly missing a passing car*
Alfred and Fox: YAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
*Nosferatu brings the tank to a sudden stop, occupying three parking spaces.*
Nosferatu: Now then, where's my wallet... *prods and searches himself with his tentacles* Here it is. *reaches down with a tentacle and turns to face Fox* Ah... Alfie's lady friend, are you? Might I ask your name?
Fox: Uh, name's Fox, sir. Alfred's poker buddy. Pleased to meet you.
Nosferatu: Fox. Lovely to meet you. The name's Alexander. Would you mind going in there and buying us some nibbles? Here's my wallet. *drops an object into Fox's hands* I'd like one of those hamburger meals with the little toys, if you please.
Fox: *notices that the object isn't a wallet-- it's a bundle of Nosferatu's shriveled-up, rotten skin* GAAAAAAAAH!!!
Nosferatu: What? Grown men can play with toys too, I'll have you know. Why, you should see Alfie's collection of--
Alfred: *covers Nosferatu's mouth* NOTHING! NOTHING! Don't listen to a word he says! Just buy him his hamburger and toys, so we can get out of here!
Fox: Uh, okay...... *discreetly sets aside the lump of Nosferatu's skin* What're you having, Alfred?
Alfred: Ugh, nothing from here. I'd rather starve than have one of those grease-laden blobs of gristle.
*Nosferatu pokes Alfred in the eye with one of his tentacles.*
Alfred: OW! *releases his grip on Nosferatu's mouth*
Nosferatu: Don't be a whiny sourpuss, Alfie. Ashford men never shy away from new discoveries. *turns to Fox* Get him a hamburger.
Fox: Yes, sir. *opens the hatch of the tank and climbs out*
*Alfred is left alone with his loopy dad while Fox goes to buy lunch.*
Nosferatu: Heh heh heh...
Alfred: *gets a spreading look of horror on his face* Er, um....... Dad? Are you all right?
Nosferatu: Heh heh heh heh...
Alfred: *slowly moves toward the hatch* I, um, need to go to the toilet. I won't be long...
*Nosferatu swiftly reaches out with his tentacles and grabs Alfred.*
Alfred: EEEEEEEEK!
Nosferatu: Fifteen years! I spent fifteen years of my life chained up in that damp, smelly Antarctica basement! And then you let that bull-headed girl... Reddington, or was it Redford...
Alfred: Redfield?
Nosferatu: Yes, that Redmond girl! Do you know how many times she shot me? Do you know how many times she shot your dear old dad?! Well, I'm quite certain you don't-- and you couldn't care less! *glares evilly at Alfred* Prepare yourself for some serious PAYBACK, boy!
Alfred: *scared out of his shorts* Wh-wh-wh-what are you g-g-going t-to do?
Nosferatu: *crazy smile* It's TICKLE TIME! *tickles Alfred with his tentacles*
Alfred: EEEEEHEEHEEEEEE! HEEEEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEEEE! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!
*Meanwhile, a certain Leon Scott Kennedy is on his way out of the McDonald's.*
Leon: *hears high-pitched screaming coming from the parking lot* Hmm? *goes to check it out*
Alfred: *inside the tank* EEEEEEEEHEEHEEHEEEEEEEE! *crashes into the walls in his futile attempts to get away* STOP! STOP! I CAN'T TAKE IT ANY MORE! *thumps on the tank's walls, hoping to attract people's attention* HELP! HELP ME, SOMEBODY! AIIEEEEEEEEEEE!
Leon: *sees the tank and hears the sounds coming from inside* High-pitched screaming... thumping noises... Holy $#1t! There's a woman being raped in there! *runs to the tank*
*Nosferatu hears footsteps rapidly approaching, and stops tickling Alfred.*
Nosferatu: Oh, that must be Fox with our lunch. *peers out of the hatch*
Leon: *draws his gun* Freeze! I'm a government agent-- *sees Nosferatu* WHAT THE @#$%!!!
Nosferatu: You watch your language, sonny boy. I don't want my Alfie picking up obscenities.
Leon: *staring at Nosferatu* @.@ A zombie???
Alfred: N-no, this is, uh............
Fox: *comes up behind Leon* Who're you?
*Leon whirls around and sees Fox, holding a take-out bag filled with burgers.*
Leon: Leon Scott Kennedy, Secret Service. Are these, uh... gentlemen... with you?
Fox: Um, yes, we're, uh...
Leon: You're with Umbrella, aren't you?! I can tell a B.O.W. when I see one! *points gun at Nosferatu*
Fox: No, no! We're uh........ we're filming a horror movie.
Nosferatu: We are?
Alfred: Yes! Yes, we are! See, this is our star character right here. *puts an arm around Nosferatu* We were just taking a break from filming.
Leon: *suspicious* Uh-huh... okaaaayyy. And what was all the screaming about?
Alfred: Oh, we were just waiting for Fox here to come back with lunch, you see, and we decided to rehearse one of our scenes. *nudges Nosferatu* Do that grabby thing with your tentacles again, Dad.
Nosferatu: *grabs Alfred playfully* GRAWR!
Alfred: *pretends to be horrified* EEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!
Leon: *interested* Hmmmm. Great performance. *points to Nosferatu* That's a fantastic costume you've got there.
Nosferatu: Oh, this old thing? It's not that spectacular...
Leon: Hey, if you guys need any extras, I'm free for the next few weeks. *flicks his hair dramatically* I've had a lot of experience in horror scenarios. Check out my muscles... *takes off his jacket and flexes his arms*
Alfred: Thank you, but we have to be going now. Come along, Fox.
Fox: *climbs into the tank* Righto.
Leon: I can give you my phone number...
Alfred: Goodbye! It was lovely to meet you!
Nosferatu: All aboard! *starts the engine*
Leon: Hey, wait! *tries to cling to the top of the tank as it starts moving, but Alfred shoves him off*
*Leon watches the tank drive away.*
Leon: Heh. Those guys haven't seen the last of Leon Scott Kennedy. *gets into his car, starts the engine, and follows the tank*
--Chapter 3--
*Nosferatu is casually driving the tank down a bumpy stretch of road. His passengers, Alfred and Fox, have given up trying to get him out of the driver's seat-- mainly because he keeps swatting them aside with his tentacle arms.*
Nosferatu: *munching on his hamburger* I say, these things aren't half as bad as I thought. A bit on the greasy side, but that's normal for a fast food shop, yes? *takes another nibble* The bread leaves something to be desired, certainly nowhere near bakery caliber. But the sauce has a wonderful zest to it. Don't you think so, Alfie?
Alfred: *pouting* This isn't the way back to the manor, Dad.
*Nosferatu glances back and notices that Alfred hasn't touched his hamburger. He picks it up with a tentacle and jams it into Alfred's mouth.*
Alfred: Hgggmmmph!
Nosferatu: Eat your damn hamburger, boy! Ashfords never hesitate to explore new frontiers!
Alfred: Ahmm hrrrm hkkkgh hff hffm hrrrpfrr...
Nosferatu: What was that? *still holding the hamburger with a tentacle, fixing it in place in Alfred's mouth*
*Alfred struggles briefly and manages to jerk his head away from the hamburger.*
Alfred: AT LEAST TAKE OFF THE WRAPPER!
Nosferatu: *drops the hamburger into Alfred's lap* Take it off yourself, you overgrown baby.
Alfred: Oh, you're one to talk! You're the one who ordered the Happy Meal!
*Alfred sulks in silence for a moment. As the tank continues to roll along the bumpy road, and weave in and out of clumps of trees, he gradually begins to feel ill.*
Alfred: Ohhhh...... I think I'm going to vomit...
Nosferatu: And you call yourself a military man? Shameful.
Alfred: Can we stop the tank for a while, Dad?
Nosferatu: Certainly. If you eat your hamburger.
Alfred: What?!? I've already got motion sickness! If I eat something, I'm going to throw up right here!
Nosferatu: *keeps on driving* La la la la la... oh, what a lovely day for a leisurely drive...
Alfred: Oh, fine, then. *unwraps his hamburger and takes a bite. He makes a disgusted face, and struggles to keep himself from throwing up as he swallows it.* Ugh! There, I ate it! Are you happy now?
Nosferatu: One little bite doesn't count.
Alfred: *extremely annoyed* Oooooooh!
*Alfred waits for Nosferatu to look back at the road, then stuffs the hamburger into Fox's mouth.*
Alfred: MMMM, OM NOM NOM! Mmm, you're right, Dad, it's quite tasty!
Fox: *thinking* Yay, more food for me! *eats the burger*
Nosferatu: *hears the chewing noises* That's better. *pulls over*
*Alfred wastes no time in scrambling out of the tank and running to a thick bush. He conceals himself behind the bush and empties the contents of his stomach.*
Alfred: Ooooooh *doubled over*....... oh, that hamburger was the vilest thing I've ever had to swallow...
Fox: *climbs out of the tank and locates Alfred* Hey, Alfred? Are you okay?
Alfred: Ugh... *straightens up and puffs out his chest* Yes, of course I am. It will take more than a greasy meat patty to bring down Alfred Ashford.
Fox: Ah, yes. I'd forgotten about that. The mighty Alfred Ashford. So mighty that he gets henpecked day in and day out by his sister.
Alfred: What choice do I have? She could burn me to a crisp with a single look, mind you. I'm sure you'd act the same way if you were in my shoes. I-- *gets hit by another wave of queasiness* ooooohhhhh......
Fox: Man, you really got it bad. We ought to stop by a pharmacy for some Alka-Seltzer.
*Alfred and Fox suddenly hear the sound of tank treads moving. They peek out from behind the bush and see the tank being driven off.*
Alfred: DAD! *runs after the tank* DAD, COME BACK! DON'T LEAVE US HERE!
Fox: DR. ASHFORD! WAIT! *running along behind Alfred*
Alfred: That senile old coot!
Fox: DR. ASHFORD! *jumping up and waving*
Alfred: *frustrated* It's no use, he's too far off. *watches the tank go farther and farther into the distance*
*Suddenly, Alfred and Fox hear a car horn honking behind them. They turn around.*
Fox: What the--?!
*Leon pulls up in his car. He sticks his head out the window and smiles at them cheerily.*
Leon: Hey, you guys!
Alfred: <.<;;; Hello..... *looks at Leon uneasily* Mr. Kennedy, was it?
Leon: Just call me Leon. What're you two doing out here? You guys have a disagreement with your monster or something?
Alfred: Errr, yes.
Leon: Ah, the dramas of working in show business. I can drive you two back to your set. *smiles charmingly* That is, if you'll let me help out with your production.
Alfred: Fine! *gets into Leon's car and pulls Fox in with him*
Fox: Wha-wha-what? What the heck?!
Alfred: We've got to follow Dad! There's no telling what kind of trouble he might get into, driving that tank all willy-nilly! Follow that tank, Leon!
*Leon floors the accelerator and speeds off after Nosferatu.*
Leon: Woo-hoo!
Alfred: AIIEEEEE! *hangs on for dear life*
*Leon drives like a race car driver for several seconds, then slows down as he catches up with Nosferatu. He follows the tank at a steady distance as it winds its way back on to the highway, then off again.*
Leon: *driving along casually* So, what're your names?
Alfred: I am Alfred, and this is Fox, a uh... family friend.
Leon: Pleasure to meet you both. Who's your director?
Fox: *points to Alfred* He is.
Alfred: *at the same time, points to Fox* She is.
Leon: Huh?
Alfred: That is, erm........ I'm the producer, and she's the director.
Leon: *to Alfred* Are you the lead actor too? I mean, you've got that gun prop and all... I take it you're playing some monster hunter or something?
Alfred: Errr, no........ just an ordinary man defending my humble home against a horrific beast.
Leon: Wow, that's deep stuff. Who else is in this production?
*Fox and Alfred exchange glances.*
Alfred: Well, my sister is in it too... it's a family project.
Leon: Cool. You guys are like that guy who directed The Godfather... had his sister and kids in it. Now that's a great movie. The first time I watched it, I-- hey, is that your set? *points off into the distance*
*The group sees Nosferatu steer the tank towards Ashford Manor's gates, which lie broken on the ground from when he drove through them in Chapter 1.*
Leon: *follows the tank through the gates and looks around* Whoa! Awesome! How long did it take you to build this place? You must've spent half your budget just on the set and props!
Alfred: Well, eh, yes... it was a huge investment, both in time and money...
Fox: Speaking of money, you still owe me--
Alfred: Oh, would you keep quiet about that until this whole affair blows over? We've got more important things with which to concern ourselves.
*Nosferatu pulls the tank to a stop and climbs out, bringing along his Happy Meal bag. Leon pulls up next to him. The group exits Leon's car.*
Nosferatu: Well, I see you young'uns have made a new friend there.
Alfred: Yes, Dad, this is Leon. He's going to be helping us with our, uh, production.
Leon: *smiles brightly* How do you do, sir? *goes to shake Nosferatu's hand and winds up shaking one of his tentacles*
Nosferatu: Never felt better in my life. I tell you, it's sheer bliss to be out of that basement.
Leon: Basement?
Alfred: *quickly takes Nosferatu and Fox by the arm and leads them away* Leon, would you excuse us for a moment? Dad's makeup needs some retouching. *starts dragging them towards the manor's front door*
*As Alfred, Nosferatu and Fox approach the door, Alexia steps out from it, glaring at all three of them.*
Alexia: *coldly* Well, did you three enjoy your little escapade?
Alfred: <.<;;; Yes, dear Alexia. We have to talk, by the way.
Alexia: About what? *sees Leon on the lawn* Who is that man? Is he another one of your scruffy poker friends?
Nosferatu: *gleefully* We're going to make a movie!
Alexia: ... What?!
Nosferatu: *ignores her, is busy playing with the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles figure from his Happy Meal* Wheeeeee!
Alexia: *sees the Happy Meal bag* A Happy Meal?!? You ate at a fast food joint?! ... Never mind that, what is this about making a movie? And who is that man? Why must you always land yourself in these ridiculous situations, Alfred?
Alfred: Please, Alexia, let's discuss this inside. *opens the door and gestures for everyone to go in*
*The group enters the manor. Nosferatu ignores the people around him and continues playing with his toy.*
Alexia: All right, what is this nonsense?
Alfred: That man out there is a government agent. He followed us here. He suspects that Daddykins is... well, what he is. An Umbrella-made mutation. To get him off our backs, we told him that we were producing a horror movie and that Dad was our monster.
Alexia: Why didn't you just kill him?! That would have saved us some fuss.
Alfred: We couldn't. Not out in the open. There would have been too many witnesses.
Alexia: Well, now that you're here in the privacy of our home, you can deal with him. Or do I have to do it myself?
Nosferatu: *suddenly takes on a serious tone* You're not going to kill him.
*Stunned by Nosferatu's change of manner, Alfred, Alexia and Fox all turn to look at him.*
Alexia: I beg your pardon?
Nosferatu: *sets down the toy* I said, you're not going to kill him. Leave the boy alone. He's pleasant and well mannered, which is more than I can say about you two, Alexia and Alfie. He'll make a fine addition to our film crew. We can even give him a supporting role.
Alexia: We aren't making a movie, Daddy.
Nosferatu: Oh, yes we are.
Alexia: *scoffs* Hah! Your senses have taken leave of you, old man. It's time you went back to your basement--
*Nosferatu angrily grabs Alexia and Alfred with his tentacles, hanging onto their necks as he lifts them off the floor.*
Alexia and Alfred: Gack!!!
Nosferatu: *with anger blazing in his eyes* Now listen here, you brats! I'm sick and tired of you pushing me around, injecting me with this and that, locking me up in some windowless cell! You need to learn respect for your father, and if I have to choke some sense into you to drive that into your skulls, I WILL!
Fox: Wah! Dr. Ashford, uh, please, calm down... I'm sure you can all talk this out...
Nosferatu: Talking isn't going to accomplish anything. *gives Alexia and Alfred a violent shaking* These kids won't listen to reason, so Daddy's going to have to get tough.
*Alexia activates her flame powers and tries to burn through the tentacles crushing her, but Nosferatu responds by puffing a jet of poison gas in her face.*
Alexia: Aaack! *coughs*
Alfred: Dad! Stop it! *gets a cloud of gas blown into his face as well* Aaaaaagh! *coughs*
Fox: Dr. Ashford-- *gets tossed aside by one of Nosferatu's tentacles*
Nosferatu: *glares at Alexia and Alfred* I could kill both of you little ingrates with one squeeze, thanks to that latest round of "treatments" you gave me. *crushes harder with his tentacles, to make his point* And who says there's no such thing as karma? I'll bet you wish you'd left me in Antarctica, hmm? But no, you just had to have your favorite viral guinea pig. Well, guess what, kiddies? Daddy's stronger than ever, and he is FURIOUS. *gives Alexia and Alfred another shaking*
Alfred: Owwwww!
Fox: Dr. Ashford, please...
Nosferatu: *ignores Fox* Now, you two, here's what we're going to do, to make up for all your years of selfishness. We're going to let the kind, sweet government man live, so that we don't get the police, FBI and CIA crawling all over our doorstep. We're going to get along like a proper, civilized family. And we're going to make that movie, damn it! Face it, kids-- developing biological weapons brought us a load of unnecessary fuss. If we're going to restore the Ashford name to its former glory, we'll need to engage in something more profitable and less troublesome. And the entertainment business is perfect for that.
Alexia: Gack.... are you crazy, Daddy?
Nosferatu: You prefer this? *envelopes Alexia and Alfred in a thick layer of poison gas*
Alexia and Alfred: AAAAAAGGGGGGHHHH! *coughing*
Fox: *takes a step towards Nosferatu* This is going a bit too far... !
Nosferatu: *shoves her away with a tentacle* Stay out of this, youngling. This is a family matter. Go outside and keep Leon company. If he asks what's keeping me, tell him the crew is having a few... hmm... technical difficulties.
Fox: *looks at Alfred and Alexia worriedly* .............
Nosferatu: *pushes her towards the front door* Go on. Mustn't keep our friend waiting.
*Reluctantly, Fox exits the manor and joins Leon in the courtyard.*
Leon: *looking around at Alfred's collection of tanks* Geez, these are some serious props you've got here. *points to the run-down front gate that Nosferatu crashed into* I'm guessing you had some grand siege scene, with all these tanks storming the manor?
Fox: Uh, no, not that grand...
Leon: Aw, you're too modest. Hey, what happened to Alfred and his dad?
Fox: .............. *doesn't quite know what to tell him*
*Thankfully for Fox, the silence is interrupted by a delivery man-- the second one for today-- walking through the run-down gates.*
Delivery Man: *carrying a long, flat box wrapped in gold paper* Is this the Ashford residence?
Fox: Yes.
Delivery Man: Parcel for Miss Alexia. *hands Fox the package*
Fox: Uh, okay........ I'll give it to her.
Delivery Man: *hands Fox the receipt form* Sign here, please.
Fox: *signs the form* There ya go.
Delivery Man: Thank you. *leaves*
Leon: *thinks* Ashford....... hmmm, Ashford... where have I heard that name before...
*Fox spots Nosferatu through one of the front windows of the house. He's waving his arms and tentacles, gesturing for her to bring Leon inside.*
Fox: Hey, Leon, Alexander says it's okay to go inside now.
Leon: Alexander? Is that Alfred's dad?
Fox: Yeah. Our monster.
Leon: Cool!
*Fox and Leon approach the manor.....*
At one point, someone jokingly accused me of not truly disliking Alfred-- she said I was just jealous of his wealth and stature. In reply, I joked that I was only upset with him because he owed me money. "Alfred owes me $300 from our last poker game," I posted in the thread. This led to an exchange of humorous comments, and eventually, I wound up making an imaginary world where Alfred and I were poker buddies. Why would an upper-class man like Alfred be playing poker? I don't quite know. But as you'll see, nothing else in this story makes much sense either.
--Chapter 1--
*Alfred and Fox are sitting in the manor playing Texas Hold 'Em.*
Alfred: *hears a rumbling noise* Good gracious, what was that?
Fox: Meh.
Alfred: *feels the walls shaking slightly* Must be some Bandersnatches having a wild booze party.
Fox: Speaking of Bandersnatches, the last time I came around here, I got chased off the property by a bunch of them.
Alfred: Oh, they've been moody lately, ever since the last of their favorite Umbrella-made B.O.W. food ran out. That awful man Wesker who's running Umbrella these days changed the food's formulation. It's supposed to be more nutritious, but the Bandersnatches think it tastes horrible, the poor babies.
*Alexia comes in.*
Alexia: Alfred, did you know that the manor is being bombarded by artillery shells?
Fox: Oh, is that where the noise is coming from?
Alfred: It's nothing to worry about, dear sister. These walls were constructed out of Umbrella's special reinforced titanium alloy.
Alexia: Well, this infernal racket is ruining my beauty sleep! *angrily activates her flame powers, burning the poker table*
Alfred and Fox: Yaaaaaah!
Alfred: Confound it, Alexia, I was this close to winning back that $300 I owe this little upstart here.
Alexia: You'll have more than money to worry about if you don't get off your ruffled hindside and stop whoever is firing those shells, DEAR brother! *evil glare*
Fox: Why're you sending him? You're the one with the Flame Powers of Pwnage. I say you should be the one to-- *jacket gets set on fire by Alexia* WAAAAAAH! GAH! ARRRRGH!!! *grabs a glass of iced tea that Alfred was drinking, and tips the tea onto the flames to extinguish them*
Alfred: Oh, bother. You're dripping tea onto the carpet. I'm taking the cleaning bill out of the $300 I owe you.
Alexia: *fuming* GO AND GET THAT MANIAC WHO'S BOMBING OUR MANOR, BEFORE I FRY BOTH OF YOU TO A CRISP AND FEED YOU TO THE BANDERSNATCHES! *turns away and walks off* I shall be in my room applying my beauty regimen. All this stress and fussing about is giving me wrinkles.
*Alfred and Fox are left alone.*
Alfred: What a pickle.
Fox: Bah. Whatever. Let's go and do what Alexia says before she throws another hissy-fit. I hope you've been practicing with that sniper rifle of yours. I'll bet your blindfolded dad could out-shoot you.
Alfred: Oh, hush, you! I'm a multiple award-winning marksman, I'll have you know. I was merely thrown off focus by that Redfield girl's bouncing cleavage.
Fox: ... Cleavage?! You were checking out her cleavage?
Alfred: And what, pray tell, is so strange about that?
Fox: Nothin', I just thought you... y'know...
Alfred: I am not gay! I simply had separation anxiety! Just because I pretended to be my sister so I could ease my loneliness doesn't mean that I'm interested in men!
*The manor walls shake as another artillery shell hits them.*
Alexia: *yelling from upstairs* ARE YOU TWO GOING TO STOP THAT TRIGGER-HAPPY LUNATIC, OR WHAT?
Alfred: YES, DEAR SISTER! *mutters to Fox* We'd better move out of here.
*Alfred and Fox leave the parlor and stop by the armory, where Alfred grabs his sniper rifle. On the way to the front door, they hear the doorbell ring.*
Alfred: Who could that be? *opens the door*
Delivery Man: Flower delivery for Ms. Alexia Ashford--
*BOOM!*
Delivery Man: *struck dead by artillery shell* ............
Alfred: *picks up a bouquet of purple roses that the delivery man dropped* Hmm, what's this? *reads the card attached to the bouquet* "Dear Alexia, please accept these flowers as a token of my affection and admiration for you. Your beauty surpasses the most radiant sunset, the most delicate flower, the most vibrant and graceful butterfly. With love, Your Secret Admirer." *throws the bouquet to the ground and stomps on it* The nerve of this person! I shall never allow filthy outsiders to touch my fair Alexia! They are unworthy to even think such things of her! I ought to--
Fox: Dude, calm down... *flinches as another artillery shell hits the manor* You've got more important things to worry about.
Alfred: Hmph, indeed.
*The pair start running towards the yard where Alfred keeps his collection of military vehicles. Suddenly, they see Nosferatu coming out of a Howitzer tank. He stumbles blindly, feeling his way around with his tentacle arms, and locates another tank.*
Nosferatu: Heh heh heh...... I hope this one's loaded too... *wrenches the top hatch open with his tentacles, and jumps in*
Alfred: *runs to the tank* DAD!!! How did you get out here? What in Umbrella's name do you think you're doing?!
Nosferatu: I'm sick of being locked up in that basement! I'm taking this tank for a joyride! And none of you scrawny little whelps is going to stop me!
Alfred: Daddy, you know we can't have you out of the basement; it's for your own good. Those tentacle-arms of yours have a mind of their own. Every time we let you out, they tear down everything in sight. You almost brought a chandelier down on your head the last time you were in the house.
Nosferatu: Oh, go piddle a poodle, Alfie.
Alfred: At least take off that blindfold! *jumps into the tank, with Fox close behind*
Nosferatu: *randomly steps on pedals and pushes levers and buttons* Now, how do we get this plane off the ground...
Alfred: It's not a plane, Dad, it's a tank! *tries to push him out of the driver's seat* Get out of there and let me-- *gets smacked aside by one of Nosferatu's freaky arms* OOF! *slams into Fox*
Fox: *pinned under Alfred* A bit crowded in here, don't you think?
*After turning more knobs and ripping out a few wires, Nosferatu somehow manages to get the tank running.*
Nosferatu: Marvelous! Hang on to your seats, kiddies!
*Nosferatu brings the tank to full speed and crashes through the gate.*
Alfred and Fox: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!
Nosferatu: Ha ha ha ha! Good heavens, I haven't had this much fun in years! Look out, world! Here comes Alexander Ashford!
--Chapter 2--
*Nosferatu is driving around crazily in a battle tank, with Alfred and Fox sitting in the control bay with him.*
Alfred: For goodness' sake, Dad, take that blindfold off! *manages to wrestle past Nosferatu's tentacles and yank away his blindfold*
Nosferatu: Ahhh, that's better! And I thought it was just dark outside. *finds the exit to the nearest highway and goes there*
Alfred: DAD!!!
Fox: Dr. Ashford!!!
Nosferatu: What? I'm not going over the speed limit, don't worry. Just because I'm getting on in years doesn't mean I'm not a law-abiding citizen.
Alfred: But, but... driving a tank on a public highway?! Are you crazy-- *smacks himself on the forehead* Never mind. Forget I asked.
*After a while of leisurely driving, Nosferatu spots a McDonald's sign by the side of the highway.*
Nosferatu: Look over there, kiddies! One of those fast food joints. I'm feeling a bit peckish; let's pull over for a bite to eat, shall we? *starts driving towards the McDonald's*
Alfred: What? Us, the Ashford men, eat at a fast food joint?! You've got to be joking, Daddykins. How could you even think of degrading our family name like that?
Nosferatu: Oh, don't be a spoilsport, Alfie. I've always wanted to understand the common folks' addiction to fast food-- and what better way to do it, than to experience some McDonald's cuisine firsthand?
Alfred: I am NOT going in there! *pouts*
Nosferatu: Who says we're going in? We'll use the drive-through lane. *heads towards the drive-through*
Alfred and Fox: NOOOOOOOO!!!
Fox: This tank isn't going to fit in the drive-through lane, Dr. Ashford!
Nosferatu: Oh, heh heh, I suppose it won't, eh? *veers into the parking lot at the last second, making a sharp turn and narrowly missing a passing car*
Alfred and Fox: YAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
*Nosferatu brings the tank to a sudden stop, occupying three parking spaces.*
Nosferatu: Now then, where's my wallet... *prods and searches himself with his tentacles* Here it is. *reaches down with a tentacle and turns to face Fox* Ah... Alfie's lady friend, are you? Might I ask your name?
Fox: Uh, name's Fox, sir. Alfred's poker buddy. Pleased to meet you.
Nosferatu: Fox. Lovely to meet you. The name's Alexander. Would you mind going in there and buying us some nibbles? Here's my wallet. *drops an object into Fox's hands* I'd like one of those hamburger meals with the little toys, if you please.
Fox: *notices that the object isn't a wallet-- it's a bundle of Nosferatu's shriveled-up, rotten skin* GAAAAAAAAH!!!
Nosferatu: What? Grown men can play with toys too, I'll have you know. Why, you should see Alfie's collection of--
Alfred: *covers Nosferatu's mouth* NOTHING! NOTHING! Don't listen to a word he says! Just buy him his hamburger and toys, so we can get out of here!
Fox: Uh, okay...... *discreetly sets aside the lump of Nosferatu's skin* What're you having, Alfred?
Alfred: Ugh, nothing from here. I'd rather starve than have one of those grease-laden blobs of gristle.
*Nosferatu pokes Alfred in the eye with one of his tentacles.*
Alfred: OW! *releases his grip on Nosferatu's mouth*
Nosferatu: Don't be a whiny sourpuss, Alfie. Ashford men never shy away from new discoveries. *turns to Fox* Get him a hamburger.
Fox: Yes, sir. *opens the hatch of the tank and climbs out*
*Alfred is left alone with his loopy dad while Fox goes to buy lunch.*
Nosferatu: Heh heh heh...
Alfred: *gets a spreading look of horror on his face* Er, um....... Dad? Are you all right?
Nosferatu: Heh heh heh heh...
Alfred: *slowly moves toward the hatch* I, um, need to go to the toilet. I won't be long...
*Nosferatu swiftly reaches out with his tentacles and grabs Alfred.*
Alfred: EEEEEEEEK!
Nosferatu: Fifteen years! I spent fifteen years of my life chained up in that damp, smelly Antarctica basement! And then you let that bull-headed girl... Reddington, or was it Redford...
Alfred: Redfield?
Nosferatu: Yes, that Redmond girl! Do you know how many times she shot me? Do you know how many times she shot your dear old dad?! Well, I'm quite certain you don't-- and you couldn't care less! *glares evilly at Alfred* Prepare yourself for some serious PAYBACK, boy!
Alfred: *scared out of his shorts* Wh-wh-wh-what are you g-g-going t-to do?
Nosferatu: *crazy smile* It's TICKLE TIME! *tickles Alfred with his tentacles*
Alfred: EEEEEHEEHEEEEEE! HEEEEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEEEE! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!
*Meanwhile, a certain Leon Scott Kennedy is on his way out of the McDonald's.*
Leon: *hears high-pitched screaming coming from the parking lot* Hmm? *goes to check it out*
Alfred: *inside the tank* EEEEEEEEHEEHEEHEEEEEEEE! *crashes into the walls in his futile attempts to get away* STOP! STOP! I CAN'T TAKE IT ANY MORE! *thumps on the tank's walls, hoping to attract people's attention* HELP! HELP ME, SOMEBODY! AIIEEEEEEEEEEE!
Leon: *sees the tank and hears the sounds coming from inside* High-pitched screaming... thumping noises... Holy $#1t! There's a woman being raped in there! *runs to the tank*
*Nosferatu hears footsteps rapidly approaching, and stops tickling Alfred.*
Nosferatu: Oh, that must be Fox with our lunch. *peers out of the hatch*
Leon: *draws his gun* Freeze! I'm a government agent-- *sees Nosferatu* WHAT THE @#$%!!!
Nosferatu: You watch your language, sonny boy. I don't want my Alfie picking up obscenities.
Leon: *staring at Nosferatu* @.@ A zombie???
Alfred: N-no, this is, uh............
Fox: *comes up behind Leon* Who're you?
*Leon whirls around and sees Fox, holding a take-out bag filled with burgers.*
Leon: Leon Scott Kennedy, Secret Service. Are these, uh... gentlemen... with you?
Fox: Um, yes, we're, uh...
Leon: You're with Umbrella, aren't you?! I can tell a B.O.W. when I see one! *points gun at Nosferatu*
Fox: No, no! We're uh........ we're filming a horror movie.
Nosferatu: We are?
Alfred: Yes! Yes, we are! See, this is our star character right here. *puts an arm around Nosferatu* We were just taking a break from filming.
Leon: *suspicious* Uh-huh... okaaaayyy. And what was all the screaming about?
Alfred: Oh, we were just waiting for Fox here to come back with lunch, you see, and we decided to rehearse one of our scenes. *nudges Nosferatu* Do that grabby thing with your tentacles again, Dad.
Nosferatu: *grabs Alfred playfully* GRAWR!
Alfred: *pretends to be horrified* EEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!
Leon: *interested* Hmmmm. Great performance. *points to Nosferatu* That's a fantastic costume you've got there.
Nosferatu: Oh, this old thing? It's not that spectacular...
Leon: Hey, if you guys need any extras, I'm free for the next few weeks. *flicks his hair dramatically* I've had a lot of experience in horror scenarios. Check out my muscles... *takes off his jacket and flexes his arms*
Alfred: Thank you, but we have to be going now. Come along, Fox.
Fox: *climbs into the tank* Righto.
Leon: I can give you my phone number...
Alfred: Goodbye! It was lovely to meet you!
Nosferatu: All aboard! *starts the engine*
Leon: Hey, wait! *tries to cling to the top of the tank as it starts moving, but Alfred shoves him off*
*Leon watches the tank drive away.*
Leon: Heh. Those guys haven't seen the last of Leon Scott Kennedy. *gets into his car, starts the engine, and follows the tank*
--Chapter 3--
*Nosferatu is casually driving the tank down a bumpy stretch of road. His passengers, Alfred and Fox, have given up trying to get him out of the driver's seat-- mainly because he keeps swatting them aside with his tentacle arms.*
Nosferatu: *munching on his hamburger* I say, these things aren't half as bad as I thought. A bit on the greasy side, but that's normal for a fast food shop, yes? *takes another nibble* The bread leaves something to be desired, certainly nowhere near bakery caliber. But the sauce has a wonderful zest to it. Don't you think so, Alfie?
Alfred: *pouting* This isn't the way back to the manor, Dad.
*Nosferatu glances back and notices that Alfred hasn't touched his hamburger. He picks it up with a tentacle and jams it into Alfred's mouth.*
Alfred: Hgggmmmph!
Nosferatu: Eat your damn hamburger, boy! Ashfords never hesitate to explore new frontiers!
Alfred: Ahmm hrrrm hkkkgh hff hffm hrrrpfrr...
Nosferatu: What was that? *still holding the hamburger with a tentacle, fixing it in place in Alfred's mouth*
*Alfred struggles briefly and manages to jerk his head away from the hamburger.*
Alfred: AT LEAST TAKE OFF THE WRAPPER!
Nosferatu: *drops the hamburger into Alfred's lap* Take it off yourself, you overgrown baby.
Alfred: Oh, you're one to talk! You're the one who ordered the Happy Meal!
*Alfred sulks in silence for a moment. As the tank continues to roll along the bumpy road, and weave in and out of clumps of trees, he gradually begins to feel ill.*
Alfred: Ohhhh...... I think I'm going to vomit...
Nosferatu: And you call yourself a military man? Shameful.
Alfred: Can we stop the tank for a while, Dad?
Nosferatu: Certainly. If you eat your hamburger.
Alfred: What?!? I've already got motion sickness! If I eat something, I'm going to throw up right here!
Nosferatu: *keeps on driving* La la la la la... oh, what a lovely day for a leisurely drive...
Alfred: Oh, fine, then. *unwraps his hamburger and takes a bite. He makes a disgusted face, and struggles to keep himself from throwing up as he swallows it.* Ugh! There, I ate it! Are you happy now?
Nosferatu: One little bite doesn't count.
Alfred: *extremely annoyed* Oooooooh!
*Alfred waits for Nosferatu to look back at the road, then stuffs the hamburger into Fox's mouth.*
Alfred: MMMM, OM NOM NOM! Mmm, you're right, Dad, it's quite tasty!
Fox: *thinking* Yay, more food for me! *eats the burger*
Nosferatu: *hears the chewing noises* That's better. *pulls over*
*Alfred wastes no time in scrambling out of the tank and running to a thick bush. He conceals himself behind the bush and empties the contents of his stomach.*
Alfred: Ooooooh *doubled over*....... oh, that hamburger was the vilest thing I've ever had to swallow...
Fox: *climbs out of the tank and locates Alfred* Hey, Alfred? Are you okay?
Alfred: Ugh... *straightens up and puffs out his chest* Yes, of course I am. It will take more than a greasy meat patty to bring down Alfred Ashford.
Fox: Ah, yes. I'd forgotten about that. The mighty Alfred Ashford. So mighty that he gets henpecked day in and day out by his sister.
Alfred: What choice do I have? She could burn me to a crisp with a single look, mind you. I'm sure you'd act the same way if you were in my shoes. I-- *gets hit by another wave of queasiness* ooooohhhhh......
Fox: Man, you really got it bad. We ought to stop by a pharmacy for some Alka-Seltzer.
*Alfred and Fox suddenly hear the sound of tank treads moving. They peek out from behind the bush and see the tank being driven off.*
Alfred: DAD! *runs after the tank* DAD, COME BACK! DON'T LEAVE US HERE!
Fox: DR. ASHFORD! WAIT! *running along behind Alfred*
Alfred: That senile old coot!
Fox: DR. ASHFORD! *jumping up and waving*
Alfred: *frustrated* It's no use, he's too far off. *watches the tank go farther and farther into the distance*
*Suddenly, Alfred and Fox hear a car horn honking behind them. They turn around.*
Fox: What the--?!
*Leon pulls up in his car. He sticks his head out the window and smiles at them cheerily.*
Leon: Hey, you guys!
Alfred: <.<;;; Hello..... *looks at Leon uneasily* Mr. Kennedy, was it?
Leon: Just call me Leon. What're you two doing out here? You guys have a disagreement with your monster or something?
Alfred: Errr, yes.
Leon: Ah, the dramas of working in show business. I can drive you two back to your set. *smiles charmingly* That is, if you'll let me help out with your production.
Alfred: Fine! *gets into Leon's car and pulls Fox in with him*
Fox: Wha-wha-what? What the heck?!
Alfred: We've got to follow Dad! There's no telling what kind of trouble he might get into, driving that tank all willy-nilly! Follow that tank, Leon!
*Leon floors the accelerator and speeds off after Nosferatu.*
Leon: Woo-hoo!
Alfred: AIIEEEEE! *hangs on for dear life*
*Leon drives like a race car driver for several seconds, then slows down as he catches up with Nosferatu. He follows the tank at a steady distance as it winds its way back on to the highway, then off again.*
Leon: *driving along casually* So, what're your names?
Alfred: I am Alfred, and this is Fox, a uh... family friend.
Leon: Pleasure to meet you both. Who's your director?
Fox: *points to Alfred* He is.
Alfred: *at the same time, points to Fox* She is.
Leon: Huh?
Alfred: That is, erm........ I'm the producer, and she's the director.
Leon: *to Alfred* Are you the lead actor too? I mean, you've got that gun prop and all... I take it you're playing some monster hunter or something?
Alfred: Errr, no........ just an ordinary man defending my humble home against a horrific beast.
Leon: Wow, that's deep stuff. Who else is in this production?
*Fox and Alfred exchange glances.*
Alfred: Well, my sister is in it too... it's a family project.
Leon: Cool. You guys are like that guy who directed The Godfather... had his sister and kids in it. Now that's a great movie. The first time I watched it, I-- hey, is that your set? *points off into the distance*
*The group sees Nosferatu steer the tank towards Ashford Manor's gates, which lie broken on the ground from when he drove through them in Chapter 1.*
Leon: *follows the tank through the gates and looks around* Whoa! Awesome! How long did it take you to build this place? You must've spent half your budget just on the set and props!
Alfred: Well, eh, yes... it was a huge investment, both in time and money...
Fox: Speaking of money, you still owe me--
Alfred: Oh, would you keep quiet about that until this whole affair blows over? We've got more important things with which to concern ourselves.
*Nosferatu pulls the tank to a stop and climbs out, bringing along his Happy Meal bag. Leon pulls up next to him. The group exits Leon's car.*
Nosferatu: Well, I see you young'uns have made a new friend there.
Alfred: Yes, Dad, this is Leon. He's going to be helping us with our, uh, production.
Leon: *smiles brightly* How do you do, sir? *goes to shake Nosferatu's hand and winds up shaking one of his tentacles*
Nosferatu: Never felt better in my life. I tell you, it's sheer bliss to be out of that basement.
Leon: Basement?
Alfred: *quickly takes Nosferatu and Fox by the arm and leads them away* Leon, would you excuse us for a moment? Dad's makeup needs some retouching. *starts dragging them towards the manor's front door*
*As Alfred, Nosferatu and Fox approach the door, Alexia steps out from it, glaring at all three of them.*
Alexia: *coldly* Well, did you three enjoy your little escapade?
Alfred: <.<;;; Yes, dear Alexia. We have to talk, by the way.
Alexia: About what? *sees Leon on the lawn* Who is that man? Is he another one of your scruffy poker friends?
Nosferatu: *gleefully* We're going to make a movie!
Alexia: ... What?!
Nosferatu: *ignores her, is busy playing with the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles figure from his Happy Meal* Wheeeeee!
Alexia: *sees the Happy Meal bag* A Happy Meal?!? You ate at a fast food joint?! ... Never mind that, what is this about making a movie? And who is that man? Why must you always land yourself in these ridiculous situations, Alfred?
Alfred: Please, Alexia, let's discuss this inside. *opens the door and gestures for everyone to go in*
*The group enters the manor. Nosferatu ignores the people around him and continues playing with his toy.*
Alexia: All right, what is this nonsense?
Alfred: That man out there is a government agent. He followed us here. He suspects that Daddykins is... well, what he is. An Umbrella-made mutation. To get him off our backs, we told him that we were producing a horror movie and that Dad was our monster.
Alexia: Why didn't you just kill him?! That would have saved us some fuss.
Alfred: We couldn't. Not out in the open. There would have been too many witnesses.
Alexia: Well, now that you're here in the privacy of our home, you can deal with him. Or do I have to do it myself?
Nosferatu: *suddenly takes on a serious tone* You're not going to kill him.
*Stunned by Nosferatu's change of manner, Alfred, Alexia and Fox all turn to look at him.*
Alexia: I beg your pardon?
Nosferatu: *sets down the toy* I said, you're not going to kill him. Leave the boy alone. He's pleasant and well mannered, which is more than I can say about you two, Alexia and Alfie. He'll make a fine addition to our film crew. We can even give him a supporting role.
Alexia: We aren't making a movie, Daddy.
Nosferatu: Oh, yes we are.
Alexia: *scoffs* Hah! Your senses have taken leave of you, old man. It's time you went back to your basement--
*Nosferatu angrily grabs Alexia and Alfred with his tentacles, hanging onto their necks as he lifts them off the floor.*
Alexia and Alfred: Gack!!!
Nosferatu: *with anger blazing in his eyes* Now listen here, you brats! I'm sick and tired of you pushing me around, injecting me with this and that, locking me up in some windowless cell! You need to learn respect for your father, and if I have to choke some sense into you to drive that into your skulls, I WILL!
Fox: Wah! Dr. Ashford, uh, please, calm down... I'm sure you can all talk this out...
Nosferatu: Talking isn't going to accomplish anything. *gives Alexia and Alfred a violent shaking* These kids won't listen to reason, so Daddy's going to have to get tough.
*Alexia activates her flame powers and tries to burn through the tentacles crushing her, but Nosferatu responds by puffing a jet of poison gas in her face.*
Alexia: Aaack! *coughs*
Alfred: Dad! Stop it! *gets a cloud of gas blown into his face as well* Aaaaaagh! *coughs*
Fox: Dr. Ashford-- *gets tossed aside by one of Nosferatu's tentacles*
Nosferatu: *glares at Alexia and Alfred* I could kill both of you little ingrates with one squeeze, thanks to that latest round of "treatments" you gave me. *crushes harder with his tentacles, to make his point* And who says there's no such thing as karma? I'll bet you wish you'd left me in Antarctica, hmm? But no, you just had to have your favorite viral guinea pig. Well, guess what, kiddies? Daddy's stronger than ever, and he is FURIOUS. *gives Alexia and Alfred another shaking*
Alfred: Owwwww!
Fox: Dr. Ashford, please...
Nosferatu: *ignores Fox* Now, you two, here's what we're going to do, to make up for all your years of selfishness. We're going to let the kind, sweet government man live, so that we don't get the police, FBI and CIA crawling all over our doorstep. We're going to get along like a proper, civilized family. And we're going to make that movie, damn it! Face it, kids-- developing biological weapons brought us a load of unnecessary fuss. If we're going to restore the Ashford name to its former glory, we'll need to engage in something more profitable and less troublesome. And the entertainment business is perfect for that.
Alexia: Gack.... are you crazy, Daddy?
Nosferatu: You prefer this? *envelopes Alexia and Alfred in a thick layer of poison gas*
Alexia and Alfred: AAAAAAGGGGGGHHHH! *coughing*
Fox: *takes a step towards Nosferatu* This is going a bit too far... !
Nosferatu: *shoves her away with a tentacle* Stay out of this, youngling. This is a family matter. Go outside and keep Leon company. If he asks what's keeping me, tell him the crew is having a few... hmm... technical difficulties.
Fox: *looks at Alfred and Alexia worriedly* .............
Nosferatu: *pushes her towards the front door* Go on. Mustn't keep our friend waiting.
*Reluctantly, Fox exits the manor and joins Leon in the courtyard.*
Leon: *looking around at Alfred's collection of tanks* Geez, these are some serious props you've got here. *points to the run-down front gate that Nosferatu crashed into* I'm guessing you had some grand siege scene, with all these tanks storming the manor?
Fox: Uh, no, not that grand...
Leon: Aw, you're too modest. Hey, what happened to Alfred and his dad?
Fox: .............. *doesn't quite know what to tell him*
*Thankfully for Fox, the silence is interrupted by a delivery man-- the second one for today-- walking through the run-down gates.*
Delivery Man: *carrying a long, flat box wrapped in gold paper* Is this the Ashford residence?
Fox: Yes.
Delivery Man: Parcel for Miss Alexia. *hands Fox the package*
Fox: Uh, okay........ I'll give it to her.
Delivery Man: *hands Fox the receipt form* Sign here, please.
Fox: *signs the form* There ya go.
Delivery Man: Thank you. *leaves*
Leon: *thinks* Ashford....... hmmm, Ashford... where have I heard that name before...
*Fox spots Nosferatu through one of the front windows of the house. He's waving his arms and tentacles, gesturing for her to bring Leon inside.*
Fox: Hey, Leon, Alexander says it's okay to go inside now.
Leon: Alexander? Is that Alfred's dad?
Fox: Yeah. Our monster.
Leon: Cool!
*Fox and Leon approach the manor.....*
